it’s time for some missy elliott. how about that?
i am losing control. my life as i knew it is totally outta control and all i can do is jam out to missy elliott. that is after i had my 5th nervous breakdown.
i jest, i jest. but seriously her music is dope.
so it’s tuesday and i’ve decided to embrace my short, free moments and blog.
originally i had been holding off on blogging for the longest time because i was waiting to change and perfect it, and make all these adjustments… basically i was waiting to be better, and realized better may never happen. there are all these things i wanted to do, to improve upon, but at the end of the day all i had really done was nothing. nuttin. not. a. thing. all in name of perfection? how silly, silly rabbit.
so here i am, tossing my goals of perfection aside and going with the flow. if i have learned anything at all from birffffing a baby (or birth-ing in english) that is i need to seriously abandon plans and embrace spontaneity. let go of perfection and control.
for me, letting go of control is HARD. can we talk about that right now? i had no idea how much of a control freak i was until i birthed my sweet baby girl… ok so maybe i ‘knew’ i was a control freak, but i had my whole life in control so it didn’t bother me. even my pregnancy was pretty controllable! morning sickness? go for a walk. bad mood? go for a walk or eat something yummy.
but then came the baby. Baby Lulu. my whole sense of control and power and mental strength came crashing around me in glorious waves the moment i went into labor. first of all, EVER SINGLE THING i thought about my labor never happened. nothing went according to my plans or my visualizations or my vision board for me perfect delivery. what. the. fucking. fuck.
let’s back track.
here is how i thought my labor would go:
- feel some contractions the day after i taught my last spin class, after i had a delicious meal somewhere delicious of course. (that was june 14th, so ideally june 15th was my target delivery date. i hate gaps of course, let’s get this show moving! hello people i have stuff to do!)
- get in the bathtub when the contractions became stronger and listen to my hypno-birthing music and affirmations
- continue with my affirmations as the contractions grew
- light some candles and breathe deeply
- call the doula once they were about 5 minutes apart
- calmly go to the hospital
- arrive to my lovely room
- my doula and her assistant meet me, massage me, and light candles all around me.
- i push a few times and the baby magically falls out.
- and of course i would do this all without ANY pain meds at all. NONE
- ****i wasn’t allowed to have an epidural because of my spinal fusion, so i thought i could mentally overcome the pain based on willpower and self hypnotization… again, what the fucking fuck was i thinking. ****
- i get my baby handed to me and angels sing and all is good
here is what actually happened:
- i dilated to 1cm about 2 weeks out and my OB said it looked like i would be going into labor very soon… the baby’s head very low. no wonder could barely walk!
- i started having mild contractions around that time as well
- i started maniacally listening to my hypno birthing music and saying my affirmations and breathing…
- my doula massaged me and said the baby’s head was right on my cervix and would probably come out within 24 hours
- went to my OB and she confirmed it appeared i’d go into labor any minute
- it felt like a watermelon was going to fall out of my vagina, that’s how heavy nad low the baby was
- i could barely walk, i felt like she was going to fall out every minute
- we rushed to the hospital the first time when my contractions grew and were 4 minutes apart, but i had only dilated to 1.5cm
- rushed again to the hospital 3 days later when they got even stronger, but was only at a 2
- saw the doula again and she said the same thing, this baby was about to pop out. ok already!
- finally on june 25th the contractions were too strong to bare. called the OB and we went to the hospital. i was still at a 2 but they decided to induce me and see what happened
- 4 hours later i got to a 3, they decided i should stay
- the doula arrived
- no candles. the room was freezing
- she started massaging me and realized the baby was in the wrong position
- oh shit balls
- kept having contractions for many hours
- finally a doctor came in and said i should have my water broken
- they broke my water
- all hell broke loose, pain went off the charts
- i begged for the anesthesiologist to give me something
- all they could give me was tylonol. WHAT?????
- i thought i was dying
- finally they said the baby was not coming out, my hips were fused and not opening and she was turned around so i needed a c section
- i freaked out, i felt totally lost
- i had not planned on it, i honestly didn’t think it would be happening
- all my fantasies flew out the window and i realized i had no choice – i couldn’t take the pain any longer
- they wheeled me away and off i went
- 5 minutes later they delivered my sweet baby girl
- i woke up and saw my angel for the first time being held my husband, the most gorgeous site i’d ever seen
clearly nothing happened the way i planned, but what did i learn? that nothing mattered but my baby. i had to totally abandon control and just let go. give in to life and forget about anything but what really mattered: a healthy baby girl. being a healthy mom. taking care of myself so that i could take care of the precious angel.
so here i am, a new mom and feeling like a new person. it’s been a roller coaster. i definitely felt like such a failure initially but realized slowly but surely that i’m not a failure at all.
that’s the honest truth: i felt like a failure!!!! there i said it. i beat the shit out of myself. i know, it’s not good. but i’m over it now.
i had a beautiful baby that i love and she’s amazing. it doesn’t matter how she got here, all that matters is that she’s here now and OK. she’s amazing. she amazes me.
each day i try to set some goals but keep in mind that all i really need to do is feed her, change her diapers. play with her. enjoy her. let her sleep. and take care of myself. honestly life is simple, theoretically. i just tend to complicate it, but i’m getting much better 🙂
that’s my brain dump for today. my baby’s napping and now i must go finish some laundry.
so how do you cope with major life changes?
ever felt like a failure?
ever felt like you lost control?