as i type this i just finished off yet another spinach lentil burger patty topped with a fried egg. i’ve decided these burgers are the perfect food. breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. they are good cold and are easily eaten with one hand. they have everything i could ask for in a food: flavor, portability, and nutrition. get this recipe now if you haven’t already. recipe here for: the unicorn of burgers.
coincidentally the creator of these magical ‘unicorn’ burgers is also the hostess of this week in review linkup. yes, the only reason i seem to get my arse to my computer these days. oh joy, yes. linkup with mistress meg here. she’s wicked fun
since i’m short on time i’ll get started with my list list list list list… (work work work work work… ) that song is in my head, oops.
when i think of runs my mind immediately goes to baby poop now. running will never be the same in my mind. when someone says pump, i think boobs. when i hear anything about food, my boobs throb. i feel like everything is revolving around boobs and poop, and that is totally normal for new moms. i certainly have no complaints! it takes the guess work out of life. instead of planning all this stuff to do, i just know there will be poop, pee, feeding/boobs, naps, play, cuddles, some fuss (because i’m realistic) and tons of happiness. anything else outside of those is a bonus. i guess i should include taking care of myself because that’s important, too. that certainly happens in between those things above, i haven’t gone a day without a shower and i can’t say the same for my pre-pregnancy self. funny how that happened!
to keep my sanity and feel like i have other things going on besides again, the aforementioned list above of poop/pee, i’m linking up with my soul sister and boob mother, Meg. because she’s awesome and gosh darnit i love her. link up here.
last week was another fun, my-baby-is-growing-like-a-weed, week. we had her 7 week checkup, which was supposed to be 6 weeks but they didn’t do the math correctly. no sweat off my back. Lulu and i don’t exactly love going to all the doctor’s appointments, we have mutual feelings about it.
the last few days i also dropped drastically in blogging/writing, time just seemed to keep escaping me. since i have no self imposed rules or requirements on blogging just yet, i don’t mind at all. my schedule revolves around the baby for the most part, which i’m totally OK with. any extra time gets to be spent doing whatever my heart desires: showers come before anything else, taking my supplements, food. then all the bonus stuff like exercise and blogging. that’s it. just baby and me, i like it.
i’ve mastered feeding her on one side while feeding myself with my free hand. it’s not the optimal way of eating but it gets the job done. i notice that i’m foggy when i skip meals and am feeding her for 1-3 hours so i must fuel up any way i can. which leads me to have feelings about the current Chewing Challenge craze i keep seeing on social media. i’m all about chewing your food, but as a new, breastfeeding mom it’s really not that practical to get into a chewing challenge right now. sometimes i don’t chew my food enough, sometimes i have gas, sometimes i inhale air. it happens. i’m not beating myself up or worried. the idea of the chewing challenge is nice, but honestly i’ve never been a person that ate too fast. this recent change of behavior is actually good because i always wanted to know if i was able to eat fast. now i see that even my fastest rate of eating is still slower than my hubby’s. i’m a naturally slow eater and tend to think about each bite, so i think i’ve been a long time graduate of the chewing challenge.
well now that my babbles are out of my system, here are some fun things i did last week:
went to Lulu’s pediatrician – she’s over 11 pounds of pure cuteness and chunk, and 21″ long. all that chunk is great for her brain, i’m happy and proud!
met up my gal pal for the best spa pedicure of my life, with yummy champs. helloooooooo bubbly! only 1 glass for me now, i’ve become the lightest of weights. sad. i aspire to my old self… just kidding.
speaking of wine, hubby and i had our first date night post baby!!! we are oficially boring parents. after being gone for 1 hour, we pretty much didn’t know what else to do. we ate, so we decided to go get pie and another glass of wine. i ordered soft pretzels because i was feeling rebellious. worth it. since i’m such a light weight now i had a really hard time the next day just from a couple glasses of wine. the old me wanted to party all the night, but the new me was like hey have some water and snap out of it, MOM! MOTHER OF LULU!!! yup i snapped out of it.
had 2 lovely runs outside with my favorite running buddy at 5AM, which was perfection. love to see the dawn.
speaking of runs, Lulu has had some runny diapers.
daddy introduced Lulu to baby einstein.
i had a few visits from friends and caught up on life.
my mom came a few times, once she brought friends and sushi one night and Mediterranean food on another, and banana bread yet another time.
our amazing family friends that babysat on our date night brought HOMEMADE indian food… omg it was so good, so much better than going out.
i spent over 8 hours making playlists for spin class, and rode my bike a couple times to practice.
on sunday i taught my spin class and had a blast, and was told by my friend that i should consider auditioning at higher-end cycle studios… well don’t mind if i do. sounds fun to me!
shopped for groceries, prepped food
made Meg’s burgers and made enough for the week. we have already eaten them 3 ways since yesterday and yes they are that good. so versatile, we can eat them at every meal.
last but not least, i had a lot of time with lulu in the baby bjorn and we had epic dance parties. shes loves missy elliott and cat stevens. i’m all about diversity so i’m being very supportive of her musical taste.
that’s it, time to go attend to baby’s desires!
do you like pedicures? ever had champagne while at the spa? that was a first for me.
i’m thrilled it’s friday. i’m not sure why, but i still get excited about friday even though i’m no longer working a corporate 8-5 job. i guess it’s just the energy or something in the air, i’ll always be happy for friday.
this morning was rough! instead of getting at least 3 hours of sleep, we got woken up every 15 minutes for 3 hours because my husband’s toothbrush was malfunctioning and making the strangest and loudest noise. it was enough to get me to tears since it took me 2.5 hours to get Lulu to sleep, but luckily i kept myself together. at 4am i texted my running buddy and she met me for an hour run. honestly, i typically won’t workout if i’m not rested but i was so upset and frustrated, the run and fresh air soothed my soul. i knew if i stayed there i was going to say mean things and get mad at my husband for keeping a toothbrush for 8 years, but once i got outside and blood was pumping, i realized hey, it’s not his fault. whoever said running is like therapy was right. exercise is my therapy much of the time.
so i thought i would list out what i have been loving this week and what my favorite things are.
i recently discovered SNAP Kitchen, which is a place that offers healthy, prepared meals to-go. you walk in and it’s like a giant fridge with ready-made and packaged meals. all you do is grab what you want, pay and go. they make everything fresh and provide breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, desserts, and drinks. all the ingredients and nutrition is on the box, and instructions for heating if necessary. they offer meals for every diet, ie vegan, paleo, low carb, gluten free, pescatarian, etc. what i love is that the food is all normal and natural ingredients, no preservatives. it’s basically like going to a grocery store and getting their ready-made food to go, but much better. the ingredients are fresh the flavors are delicious. eating nutritious food is important and i’m not good at having balanced meals right now, so this place has really helped me stay on top of my protein. up until this i was living on nuts and toast and coffee with tons of sugar. not. good!!! so i’m giving 2 snaps and twist and twirl for snap kitchen. i figure i will use snap kitchen and get recipe and meal ideas so i can start to prep meals myself. this will take some planning on my part, but this is good motivation and inspiration.
their food is so yummy! and looks pretty easy to concoct from what i can tell looking at their ingredients. my favorite one so far is their little breakfast box with hard boiled eggs, bison patties, and spinach. the bison patties are amazing and only have like 5 ingredients. this definitely makes me realize i really need to make 2 dozen hard boiled eggs and have them ready in the fridge. i’ve been eating the crap (or yolk) out of hard boiled eggs now that i’ve picked up a few boxes from snap. the bison patties require more effort but i think i’ll start with Meg’s lentil burgers. anything that’s a patty and a hard boiled egg are making me very happy these days. grab and eat. don’t even need to heat it up for me. love it!
5 AM run dates x 2
i already mentioned my near breakdown this morning. well, the run really did make me feel better. last week my running friend and i said we’ll try to meet up twice a week, that’s 2 mornings per week at 5AM, and see what we can do by 6AM. that gives me 1 whole hour of me time with daddy at home watching the baby. this is a huge help and huge deal for me! i feel like a better wife and mother already because i love the mornings, i love physical activity, and i love seeing my good friend before the sun comes up. i love fitness friends! i’m in a better mood during the day and 2 days a week is plenty for me. everything else is just a huge bonus. like my sunday spin class! huge bonus.
it’s amazing how connected you can feel to someone you’ve never met. it never ceases to amaze me how connected i feel people via blogs and social media. not everyone, but some people just stand out and feel like their speaking my language. these special people feel like real friends, and like real friends are there when i need support. hopefully vice versa. it’s so incredible to know that you can reach out to someone when you’re feeling in a funk and they will not mind or at least pretend to not mind. i feel very blessed to have come across such amazing people via the interwebs. i can’t wait to meet in real life because like any friendship, i see them as lifelong friends. no rush, but one day 🙂
update, i had to stop this post and now it’s saturday. life happens, right?
we’ve got a busy day ahead so with that i’m cutting this short and off to be a much more present wife and mother 🙂
everyone has them. those “whoa, shit!” moments where you need to grab something or think, holy crap. what just happened. or, did that just happen? or, oh my gosh! crap! basically just incidents in life that make you go, “crap!” or “shit!” if you’re like me and foul-mouthed.
i have my whoa, shit! moments a lot more frequently these days. but usually they are due to my baby did an epic poo-bomb or something else baby/bowel related. when i say, “whoa, shit!” i tend to mean it literally.
but today i had a whoa, shit! moment that was scary. i was coming down the stairs while carrying my sweet precious baby and on the second to last stair i slipped. whoa, shit!!! i didn’t fall, the baby was fine….
but i was FREAKING out inside. like, really. freaking. out. i called my husband after clutching Lulu tightly and kissing her madly, saying, “thank you Jesus, thank you God, thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!!” to whomever is above us. my husband answered right away and i told him what happened. he joined me in the concern immediately and said he would go get some stick-on treads for the stairs at lunchtime. i love my husband so much, and this is why. he just know how to handle these moments. he’s the best problem solver i know. much better than i am.
funny i was thinking earlier this morning, which happened to start for me at 3AM.. eek, i was thinking gosh, i’m going to be tired today since we have her pediatrician appointment this morning, which means i don’t get to go back to sleep till later, if even then. i was feeling whoozy by 8AM and detest handling my precious baby when i feel that whoozy, but i figured i just needed to eat some breakfast. that usually helps my brain at least a bit. anyhow, on my way down that’s when it happened. my whoa, shit! moment to trump all moments.
it made me seriously think: i need to wake the F up and get it together… and buy some socks with rubber pads on the bottom. i ordered some right before i started this post, FYI. i will not be walking around on our wooden floors with plain socks any longer. no sir-ee. yes, i could go barefoot but we have dogs and there is always stuff on the floor that i rather not touch with my bare skin. i’m just weird about bare feet unless i’ve just worked out, then i don’t care. i like my feet covered. if there was no such thing as socks with treads on them, i’d go bare footed and suck it up of course, but i don’t have to worry since many other people have this issue. which is why such things were invented. i’m not alone. none of us are ever alone in our quirky ways. at least not that i know of.
anyhow, i’m going to keep it short today. there are just too many things happening around me and to my body post baby that are making go, whoa, shit! and honestly i just want it all to pass. hormones and our bodies and mother nature are incredible. incredibly frustrating sometimes, but incredible. our bodies post baby go through a lot. i’m still getting used to what my body is going through post baby. the big things and worse are the little things. like small armpit bumps that may or may not be related to breastfeeding. a lot of things happen when you breastfeed, that’s a whole other topic. don’t get me started.
happy hump day. xx
to the mom’s out there – anything crazy happen to you post partum?
what are some of your whoa, shit! moments?
do you have a thing with your feet or other quirk?
good morning peeps. it’s 6AM here at Smith headquarters and i’m utilizing this quiet time after just putting Baby Lulu down for a nap. we just had a nice little feeding time together and even though i could go back to sleep (for hours i wish!) i rather get a few things done. like get lemon water and write this post. ain’t no time like the present, right?
so i’m linking up with my girl, Meg, for her WIR weekly party. i live for this. ok well not literally, but it’s nice to have things to look forward to. incentives. goals. stuff happening besides… well all my usual new-mom-life stuff. LOVE it all but nice to have variety. 😉
going backwards, sunday (yesterday) was a great day. got about 5 hours of sleep thanks to hubby. this feels like a lot now believe it or not. taught my first spin class in 9 weeks and felt amazing. my friends visited. granny jan visited. hubby made me the best egg sandwich ever, AND the best spaghetti squash pesto dinner ever. i did 5 loads of laundry and hubby washed the fur babies. in my world, this was practically a perfect day. well minus Lulu being very cranky for much of it. she’s growing so fast, it must be uncomfortable. poor thing. i’m taking so many photos of Lulu but not really of much else. i try, sort of, but then don’t worry much about it. when i’m eating really good food now i just sort of enjoy it and don’t feel as compelled to photograph it. i’m shifting inside i guess, or just can’t be arsed. i like seeing nice food pics but don’t feel inspired to do the same. i’m grateful for good food but writing about it is quite enough for me.
it was a great week overall. plans changed a few times but no worries. it comes with being a new mom and having a 7 week old baby. by the way, Lucinda is 7 weeks old today!!! that’s bananas. how did that happen. ohhhhhhh time is going too fast already.
recap of the last week:
emergency Doctor visit – everything’s fine, just had to look at something on my tummy. Lulu didn’t like going so that made it challenging.
two runs with my friend, heavenly
confirmed i got the sunday morning spin slot – this is huge because it’s a super packed class and my hubby is home. yay for childcare.
worked on my class structure and new techniques
taught my first spin class since before baby, 9 weeks ago
had friends over to celebrate a 50th birthday and have game night, which totally went ass backwards but had nothing to do with us. emotional issues, i’ll leave it at that.
had another friend over for an 80’s movie night
a few family visits plus in laws
started elimination diet of basically rice and potatoes but then abandoned it 5 days in. it actually upset my tummy! and discovered the latch was more the issue… so much stuff to learn.
Attempted to watch several movies
Actually watched zero
Daily photos of baby Lulu
Sorting new baby clothes – so many cute outfits
Bought water dispenser plus water jugs – this was a highlight of my week! i love having water… i’m always thirsty. thank you breastfeeding 🙂
my thoughts about the week….
sort of getting into a groove. basically i know there will be mass amounts of feeding, diaper changing, laundry, and some naps all day and night. it’s the in between stuff that i’m making more sense of. the in between moments are where things may or may not happen. i’m learning to abandon control more and more each day. there are still things that i make as goals and do my best to orchestrate everything to make them happen. but most of the time i just allow life to flow and Lulu to be the captain. it’s much easier that way.
i’m also stupidly excited about:
having a water dispenser at home. feels so fancy!
my new class and my new personal method. i’m creating a facebook page so people can follow my classes – i want to eventually grow this.
the playlist i had on sunday was DOPE
being able to have a couple of morning runs with my friend. so nice to get out of the house.
Lulu’s outfits, we are finally able to wear cute dresses. we meaning her of course.
my hubby’s class schedule – he may have a free saturday this semester!
date night this week – my mom has agreed to babysit this friday so we can have a date night before hubby gets crazy busy again
my friday spa date with my friend – my mother’s helper will be here so i can go have girly time and get my toes did… so excited about that!
i wish i had a cat or cats again just so i could participate in CATURDAY.. i miss cats. i had them growing up but my hubby’s not a cat person. he will be once we get into a larger house, at least that’s my plan: get one without asking once our home is big enough for him not to notice. brilliant stuff, right?
yesterday i missed writing because honestly it was one of those ‘newborn baby is gonna do her thing all-day’ days. which means i was just feeding her off/on and doing baby stuff all day. i was in my pj’s the entire day as well, and i survived. i had a quick shower in the wee hours of the morning but i was covered in milk and spitup by 11AM anyway so who cares? my happiest victory yesterday was getting Lulu in the baby bjorn and taking my dog for a walk with her – i have two dogs but muffin decided to rebel and stay indoors with the cooler temps. smart girl.
it’s been a shockingly good morning so far… i read nice comments from Meg and Cora that made me feel warm and fuzzy. Lulu is napping right now, i’ve got coffee, AND i’m showered. plus i had an hour of girlfriend time combined with a workout this morning, thank you darling hubby! since i take care of Lulu 90% of the time, my hubby has agreed to watch her a couple mornings a week before he has to get up for school so that i can go for a walk or run. since i’m up all hours anyhow, this is great for me. this morning my running friend and i had our chatty jog/walk for an hour. it was blissful to be able to do something like that, all before the sun rose. i got home in time to walk the dogs, make coffee, and shower. a-may-zing.
i feel very lucky. even on the days where i literally don’t leave the house or brush my hair, i feel lucky. every morning i see this tiny girl and can’t believe i had her!
i never thought i’d get this chance, honestly. i thought i screwed up so bad in my younger years that my creator would keep my from procreating further. that’s really what i thought. so this is pretty awesome. i guess i didn’t screw up that bad after all 😉
saturday vibes so far are pretty chill. i’m just feeling grateful. sometimes i am overwhelmed with gratitude.
feeling the love again
what else has been on my mind? my relationship with my hubby is much better. at first i was feeling totally overwhelmed with everything, then i somehow changed my thinking and decided to be supportive of all that he does, even if he’s gone a lot of the time. he takes very good care of us, we couldn’t be here without him. now i’ve decided Lulu and i are his team mates and we must support our mate. he’s our quarter back, or lead cyclist. whatever it is, we are his peeps and we love him and need him.
thyroid cancer stuff
i’ve also been thinking a lot about cancer. ok that sounds cryptic but honestly, i’m feeling really good about it. i refuse to accept that they want to just cut out my thyroid. NO WAY. i’ve done enough research and talked to enough friends that have had it removed to know that i won’t be ‘just’ letting them cut out my perfectly healthy thyroid. ok so it has a tumor on it, but otherwise my thyroid and thyroid function is HEALTHY. doctors are quick to cut, and after having major spinal fusion (which saved my life by the way so i don’t hate all surgery!) i am not just about to let them remove a major piece of me. our thyroids are critical to everything. EVERY THING! seriously. so because of this, i’m taking my health into my own hands for a while, while monitoring the size and state of my thyroid.
food is medicine. and delicious.
i know we can change our health not only with our minds, but through food. food, after all, is medicine. as much as i am opposed to dieting, i am totally convinced we can heal our bodies through delicious food. i screwed up my health when i was younger through the foods i was eating, then managed to improve and restore my health by doing the opposite. so i know that food and health are totally related. lately i’ve been doing endless research on cancer and cancer healing diets and feel that there is a common thread: remove junk. they all say cut out sugar, and some say remove carbs since they turn into sugar, others say remove all animal products, but they all say remove processed foods and GMO’s. i’m definitely not leaning towards a vegan diet because i know my body, the reality is that my body does better with some animal protein. it’s just the way i was made. i love animals and tried many times to be a vegan because i can’t personally kill an animal and feel like a hypocrite for eating them, but i also fall apart physically and mentally without animal protein. at the end of the day i need to take care of my family, which means feeling the best i can.
i consider myself a pretty healthy eater but i still consume some processed things. meaning not everything i eat is from scratch. i wish it was, but i’m a new mom and it just ain’t like that for me yet. but it will be. i consume a lot of sugar in my coffee and tea, and even though i’d like to think it’s no big deal, i can’t hide from the cards in my hand any longer. my grandmother died of diabetes and i’ve now got thyroid cancer. i’ve had plenty of sugar in my life and am at the point where if i have to choose being healthy and not get surgery, or eating sugar, i choose to be healthy – healthy meaning not having my thyroid removed and hopefully having the tumor shrink. people have done it! there are people out there who have wiped away their cancers by the foods they eat alone. why can’t i do this????i’m still eating sugar right now, but i’m putting this out there to the universe because i need to be serious. it’s not going to be easy for me because i don’t like restrictions or deprivation. but i have to think about it differently now for my daughter. it’s not just about me anymore. besides, i love butter and eggs SO much and would much rather have those and give up the sugar. i can live without sweets but living without a nice omelette with lots of nice butter would be very sad for me. or many other foods. a dessert of gourmet cheeses and fruits is so much more luxurious to me anyway! with some nice wine or nice espresso? oh yeah.
OK i’m done with this rant now, there is much more to life than these little things so i will try not to harp on them. however, these little things can add up so it’s a fine line between being healthy and proactive, and being in ignorance and denial. i don’t want to be in denial any longer. i want to be healthy and strong.
happy caturday to all you cat people, i wish i could join your party!!! i’ll have my happy dogurday here…
how do you feel about food and medicine?
do you think you can heal yourself through food or would you take the meds or have the surgery?
for some reason i’ve decided it’s self help day. it will make more sense later, keep reading.
it’s thursday, roughly 8AM as i type this. Lulu is napping in her bed but wiggling around so i’m in that ‘panic, type fast!’ mode. there is a good chance i’ll be pausing a lot and this post will take the whole day to actually write. that’s totally OK! any post is progress, that’s my new attitude. i’ve abandoned perfection and just moving forward and writing what i can, when i can. seize the moment. seize the blog moment. cora inspired this in me, i read on one of her posts something about doing the work. i love to write but was afraid to blog since that felt like i needed it to be perfect. but i’m not worrying about that anymore. i’m just going to write.
i’ve been up since 3:30AM and somehow feel ok. maybe it’s because i had my lemon water, did my oil pulling, showered, and have my coffee. oh yeah, and i got in a quick run with my friend who is always up at 4AM, crazy like me.friends are good to have. crazy ones are even better.
i know, i’m sort of amazing sometimes. i didn’t plan for this, it sort of just happened. whenever the stars align themselves in my favor, i take what i can. the rest of the day is anyone’s guess.
life is about mastering improv and going with the flow…
for example, one of my outings that was planned for today has already changed. i had a therapist appointment scheduled, and she called to cancel due to having a bad shingles outbreak and not wanting to have my sweet baby near her. thank you for that. i love my therapist, she is like family. not that i see her all the time, but the handful of times i’ve seen her over the last 2 years she has felt like family. she’s met our baby, she’s met my hubby, she’s like a godmother. she even calls to check up on me. she even knows my mom! which is how i found her. everyone needs someone like her, it’s worth paying for it to keep it professional. i know that’s what friends are for, but sometimes you need someone that is a pro, and not a friend. ya know? i’m all for therapy and self-help. nobody is without issues and we all need some TLC for our mental health. it keeps me sane, literally. haha ok i’m amusing myself. i’m sort of running on fumes and coffee, and rice milk.
back to my talk about self-help, i’m a huge fan of it. i have always had major anxiety. i was a very anxious kid. doesn’t matter why or how, that’s just how i grew to be. i run on anxiety and adrenaline and zen thoughts. i’m a like a hyper active buddha, at least in my own mind. i’m very zen but also very anxious. i don’t care that i’m conflicted, it’s just me. i stopped fighting my self and it is much nicer now inside 🙂
anyhow, i used to try to fix my anxiety but it wasn’t till i accepted myself that i actually got less anxious. it’s OK to be anxious, it won’t kill you. however if you worry about it than it just makes it worse. at least that is the case for me. the way i manage my anxiety is by doing things to release that pent up energy: taking care of my SELF, having some me time even if it’s a shower, working out, write, clean, invert myself, take deep breathes, take the dogs for a walk (less possible with a baby.)
life with a new baby has made me realize even more so how it’s important to take care of my self. i was raised by a woman that always made taking time for herself a priority, and i appreciate that now more than ever. women have enough guilt to deal with, we don’t need EXTRA mom guilt. it’s hard enough. i felt guilty for stuff at first, but now realize how much better i feel if i take time for myself, ask for help, do something -anthing!- for myself – it makes me a better mother and a much better wife. i don’t do well when i haven’t showered, and the last thing i need is a mental breakdown. much better off if i get in a shower and decompress when shit hits the fan – almost literally, Lulu has quite the powerful anus!
so that’s my rant for today. it’s not just self-help day, it should be self-help every day. but i’m highlighting it today.
because the better i love myself, the better i can give love. and don’t we all want to give the best love?
hey there peeps. i’m on a roll. i guess when i get into something i really get in with gusto! but seriously, i’m trying to take advantage of any baby nap time i can. they are not predictable just yet being that Lulu is only 6 weeks plus 2 days old 🙂
my day technically started at 12AM this morning,that was her first feeding. she likes to seize the day by the balls i guess, or the ta-tas 😀
so far we’ve had a pretty fun day: feeding, changing, burping, listening to my play list for spin class, staring the the mobile in her big bed, and best of all: i gave a bath and she didn’t freak out. she loved it. she even fell asleep shortly after. nothing makes me happier than i happy, well fed, clean Lulu that is sweetly napping next to me. love love love.
i also managed to take a shower and wash my hair, invert on my inversion table, and skipped my workout in favor of washing my hair and taking my time with cleaning up and prepping for her bath. i try to exercise every day but seriously, it’s not set in stone. she comes first! and also my health. working out is supposed to be my stress relief, not add stress.right???
during all the hustle of the day, i’ve been pondering… pondering about how lucky i am to be here right now. how grateful i feel. i haven’t always felt this good, there have certainly been times where i felt limited, rather than limitless. yes, i have allowed my own mind to be my enemy rather than my friend. thank heavens today we are friends!
i used to have a really hard time moving forward and going after things i wanted, starting from a young age. i was shy and nervous, and had severe anxiety as a kid. luckily it was a phase since before elementary school i was really outgoing, but during ages 6-10 i got severe anxiety and was just a bundle of nervous energy. i felt awkward and just wanted to fit in, but always felt like i was limited. mainly because i didn’t feel good enough compared to others. not pretty enough, wealthy enough, and not ‘american’ enough. it’s all SO silly now that i felt that way, but it is what it is.
examples of the limitations i thought i had:
not pretty enough
not blonde, therefore not pretty
not thin enough
not cool enough
not ‘normal’ enough, whatever that means
single mom always out, great-grandmother at home that didn’t speak english
tiny apartments or homes in ‘poor’ areas before my mom remarried
not knowing my father till 23 yrs old
getting diagnosed with severe scoliosis at age 10
having to go to the chiropractor 3-5 times a week for years till i was 19
having back surgery at age 20
blood clotting disorder
being pregnant with spinal fusion
being pregnant at 37 years old
trying to succeed in the corporate world without a degree (before i had one)
a family history of diabetes, depression, and stroke
i used to let this list of things get me down, but one day i decided i can change the way i feel. i can focus on the positive. i didn’t have it that bad, and even if i did so what? i can still live my best life no matter what.
the days where i felt limited are long gone, for the most part. some days i do feel challenged like with my back and all the breastfeeding. but then i go over my reasons to be grateful and do my best to appreciate all i have. if that doesn’t work, i get something yummy to eat. yup, i don’t mind eating to feel better!!!
today i do things to help me feel joyful and happy, each day. they help me to feel limitless rather than limited. these are ingredients to help me feel good as much as possible. i can’t do them all some days, but i try my best.
daily happiness rituals:
wake up and say thank you each morning
say my gratitude prayers morning and night time, now to my baby girl
give kisses to my loves: baby, hubby, doggies
stretch and give thanks
have water with lemon – thanks for the reminder, Meg!
drink my greens powder and take supplements
try to sweat for 30 min a few times a week
take deep breathes in the shower
oil pulling for oral health
inversion table for a few minutes, hanging upside down is awesome
prepare good food to eat: lately it’s been potatoes, rice, and more carbs 🙂
be nice and loving to my hubby
things i try to do whenever i can
go for a walk
walk the dogs
get a massage
go out with friends
take the baby out to a cafe or walk
visit friends with the baby
invite people over to keep me company
go meet a mommy group
well that’s all i got. i’m back to check on the baby. hope you’re having a great hump day!!
after hearing all the horror stories and being a woman over 35, i was a little anxious. but at the same time, i felt determined. determined to have an awesome experience if possible. i watched my mother during her pregnancy when i was 17 years old, and she made it look easy. thank goodness for her because that left a strong impression in my mind. and it really made my pregnancy that much better.
since i haven’t really shared much about what i experienced overall while i was pregnant, here it goes. in bullet points because that’s how i roll.
1st trimester: october, november, december
total shit. and i know my shit was nothing compared to the horror stories i’ve heard. i pretty much had it easy compared to many, but my experience is still my own.
i thought my hormones were out of whack. had panic attack.
i was tired, and i hated not having energy.
i felt nauseas and i hate feeling sick. i tossed my cookies only twice but still, that was enough to get to me mentally.
i was working full time and completely exhausted and emotional. really emotional.
i also got diagnosed with thyroid cancer, so that sucked.
by the end of my first trimester i was feeling great again. it practically happened overnight. something inside me clicked and i realized shit, i may die from cancer so i better live each day to the fullest. i was being dramatic but still, i felt reborn.
2nd trimester: january, february, march
i really got my groove back
i got that magical pregnancy energy
i had started exercising regularly again
got certified to teach indoor cycling
quit my full time job
started working from home
felt energized and happy
house hunted for the move in may
traveled to san francisco on baby moon #1
3rd trimester: april, may, june
still had amazing energy
monitored thyroid cancer, still same size tumor
took baby moon #2 to spain
packed up and moved
settled into new home
continued running and spinning regularly
continued teaching spin class till june 14th
had many date nights
had many girls’ dinners
hosted many game nights
visit from brother
went into false labor june 20
went into another false labor june 23
went into real labor june 25
labored for 30 + hours
c-section at 2:29am, baby born at 2:33am on june 27
honestly, i miss being pregnant. what??? yes, i do. life was certainly different, simpler. and my sweet baby was just all cozy and with me all the time. i felt amazing having her with me and taking her on our adventures. safe inside my belly.
now that she’s ‘out’ i had initial feelings of panic because i didn’t want to leave her side or put her down. this soon passed, but the waves of emotion was intense.
my pregnancy was a blissful and an amazing experience; my labor was tough and had me literally wondering if i was going to make it; the c section was so easy that i wished i had just done it to begin with.
i hired a doula after deciding i wanted to try natural birth, but because of my severe scoliosis and full spinal fusion, my OB said that she didn’t recommend i attempt natural birth at all, and if i was that i should get a doula. so i did, and we tried. i worked with her for months before the labor to make sure i had a healthy, natural delivery. i worked all the exercises daily. i did EVERYTHING i could and more, and yet still could not deliver my baby naturally because of my spinal fusion. it was not meant to be, but she was delivered successfully via c section and that is just what happened. in the end it doesn’t matter how she arrived, all i care about is that she’s healthy. that. is. all.
i beat myself up about it for a while. i sat there in self pity for a while. but that all washed away as soon as i realized my baby is healthy and nobody, not i nor anyone else, should feel guilty for having a c section.
seriously, the fact that i felt guilty about it is ridiculous! it doesn’t matter how you birth your baby. it really doesn’t’. all that matters is that he or she gets here in the best way possible. the best way that works for you. our bodies are special and unique. i was built for surgery. some people are not. i recovered very well from my surgery and did much better than i thought i would. it was not bad at all, all things considered.
now my sweet baby girl is here in the world and the world is all-things-baby.
i totally get how some moms go crazy, there are so many ups and downs. at the end of the day the hardest yet most blissful thing i’ve ever done. i’m so honored and proud to be Lulu’s momma.
i’ll talk about life post partum in the next post….
if you’ve had a baby, how was your pregnancy?
if you haven’t, what are your thoughts on pregnancy?
i am losing control. my life as i knew it is totally outta control and all i can do is jam out to missy elliott. that is after i had my 5th nervous breakdown.
i jest, i jest. but seriously her music is dope.
so it’s tuesday and i’ve decided to embrace my short, free moments and blog.
originally i had been holding off on blogging for the longest time because i was waiting to change and perfect it, and make all these adjustments… basically i was waiting to be better, and realized better may never happen. there are all these things i wanted to do, to improve upon, but at the end of the day all i had really done was nothing. nuttin. not. a. thing. all in name of perfection? how silly, silly rabbit.
so here i am, tossing my goals of perfection aside and going with the flow. if i have learned anything at all from birffffing a baby (or birth-ing in english) that is i need to seriously abandon plans and embrace spontaneity. let go of perfection and control.
for me, letting go of control is HARD. can we talk about that right now? i had no idea how much of a control freak i was until i birthed my sweet baby girl… ok so maybe i ‘knew’ i was a control freak, but i had my whole life in control so it didn’t bother me. even my pregnancy was pretty controllable! morning sickness? go for a walk. bad mood? go for a walk or eat something yummy.
but then came the baby. Baby Lulu. my whole sense of control and power and mental strength came crashing around me in glorious waves the moment i went into labor. first of all, EVER SINGLE THING i thought about my labor never happened. nothing went according to my plans or my visualizations or my vision board for me perfect delivery. what. the. fucking. fuck.
let’s back track.
here is how i thought my labor would go:
feel some contractions the day after i taught my last spin class, after i had a delicious meal somewhere delicious of course. (that was june 14th, so ideally june 15th was my target delivery date. i hate gaps of course, let’s get this show moving! hello people i have stuff to do!)
get in the bathtub when the contractions became stronger and listen to my hypno-birthing music and affirmations
continue with my affirmations as the contractions grew
light some candles and breathe deeply
call the doula once they were about 5 minutes apart
calmly go to the hospital
arrive to my lovely room
my doula and her assistant meet me, massage me, and light candles all around me.
i push a few times and the baby magically falls out.
and of course i would do this all without ANY pain meds at all. NONE
****i wasn’t allowed to have an epidural because of my spinal fusion, so i thought i could mentally overcome the pain based on willpower and self hypnotization… again, what the fucking fuck was i thinking. ****
i get my baby handed to me and angels sing and all is good
here is what actually happened:
i dilated to 1cm about 2 weeks out and my OB said it looked like i would be going into labor very soon… the baby’s head very low. no wonder could barely walk!
i started having mild contractions around that time as well
i started maniacally listening to my hypno birthing music and saying my affirmations and breathing…
my doula massaged me and said the baby’s head was right on my cervix and would probably come out within 24 hours
went to my OB and she confirmed it appeared i’d go into labor any minute
it felt like a watermelon was going to fall out of my vagina, that’s how heavy nad low the baby was
i could barely walk, i felt like she was going to fall out every minute
we rushed to the hospital the first time when my contractions grew and were 4 minutes apart, but i had only dilated to 1.5cm
rushed again to the hospital 3 days later when they got even stronger, but was only at a 2
saw the doula again and she said the same thing, this baby was about to pop out. ok already!
finally on june 25th the contractions were too strong to bare. called the OB and we went to the hospital. i was still at a 2 but they decided to induce me and see what happened
4 hours later i got to a 3, they decided i should stay
the doula arrived
no candles. the room was freezing
she started massaging me and realized the baby was in the wrong position
oh shit balls
kept having contractions for many hours
finally a doctor came in and said i should have my water broken
they broke my water
all hell broke loose, pain went off the charts
i begged for the anesthesiologist to give me something
all they could give me was tylonol. WHAT?????
i thought i was dying
finally they said the baby was not coming out, my hips were fused and not opening and she was turned around so i needed a c section
i freaked out, i felt totally lost
i had not planned on it, i honestly didn’t think it would be happening
all my fantasies flew out the window and i realized i had no choice – i couldn’t take the pain any longer
they wheeled me away and off i went
5 minutes later they delivered my sweet baby girl
i woke up and saw my angel for the first time being held my husband, the most gorgeous site i’d ever seen
clearly nothing happened the way i planned, but what did i learn? that nothing mattered but my baby. i had to totally abandon control and just let go. give in to life and forget about anything but what really mattered: a healthy baby girl. being a healthy mom. taking care of myself so that i could take care of the precious angel.
so here i am, a new mom and feeling like a new person. it’s been a roller coaster. i definitely felt like such a failure initially but realized slowly but surely that i’m not a failure at all.
that’s the honest truth: i felt like a failure!!!! there i said it. i beat the shit out of myself. i know, it’s not good. but i’m over it now.
i had a beautiful baby that i love and she’s amazing. it doesn’t matter how she got here, all that matters is that she’s here now and OK. she’s amazing. she amazes me.
each day i try to set some goals but keep in mind that all i really need to do is feed her, change her diapers. play with her. enjoy her. let her sleep. and take care of myself. honestly life is simple, theoretically. i just tend to complicate it, but i’m getting much better 🙂
that’s my brain dump for today. my baby’s napping and now i must go finish some laundry.